The Long Silence [for losthunter]

[boldygoing]

Jim had been looking forward to getting drinks with Hunter after the end of the Nibiru mission.

Sure, it didn't exactly go according to plan, but when does it ever? And with the news of a five-year mission in the works, not yet assigned to a ship, he's pretty excited that the Enterprise might have a shot at the most prestigious and ambitious assignment Starfleet has ever offered. No crew is more prepared, he feels. And getting to explore uncharted territory every day for five years is a dream come true.

But that's before he gets called into Pike's office and busted back to fucking cadet.

Before the admiral tells him that the Enterprise is no longer Jim's.

Before Pike tracks him down in a dive bar, spiraling into the black hole of his own thoughts, consuming everything except the horrible, sinking feeling in his gut that somehow he's done everything horribly wrong, and the admiral tells him that he's not out of the running just yet.

He's not captain anymore. But Commander Kirk is the first officer of the Enterprise now, and as awful as it is that Spock has been reassigned, it's a rope thrown to a drowning man.

He's not okay. But maybe eventually he will be. And he barely has time to process any of this before the call comes in, that there's an emergency session called at Headquarters. Something like that is never, ever good news. And no matter what it's about, Jim has the distinct feeling that he's not going to be able to get around to having drinks with Hunter tonight.

He hurries to get into his gray dress uniform, and fires off a quick text message to the now-familiar number. Need raincheck. Emergency @ HQ.

Surely he'll have the time to reschedule later, once the crisis is over.

Comments

[boldygoing]

Hunter may not know it, but Jim has never - ever - had anyone do that for him, not even his own mother. And he doesn't know how to feel about that, both the drugs and his own exhaustion conspiring against him to keep him from thinking too deeply on it at the moment.

He does, however, have one last request before he stops fighting to stay awake, and he manages a small, tired smile. "You bring anything good to read?" If nothing else, the sound of someone else's voice might help keep him grounded, to remind him that he's not alone, that he's not succumbing to the awful, cold darkness that lies beyond.

[losthunter]

"I sure did." He holds up the book. "It is Roughing It, by Mark Twain."

The book looks to be in good condition.

[boldygoing]

Jim's not familiar with that particular book, but he's read Mark Twain before, and it's just a shame he's probably not going to stay awake long enough to pay attention to the plot. He certainly has no complaints about Hunter's choice in literature.

He closes his eyes and smiles faintly. "Go for it."

[losthunter]

It is a shame that Jim will sleep through the majority of the plot. It is a semi-autobiographical travel literature that follows the travels of young Mark Twain through the Wild West during the years 1861–1867. And it illustrates many of Twain's early adventures, including a visit to Salt Lake City, gold and silver prospecting, real-estate speculation, a journey to the Kingdom of Hawaii, and the beginnings as a writer for Mark Twain.

It is a perfect example of adventure and exploration.

[boldygoing]

Jim drifts off somewhere in the first few chapters, Hunter's steady voice accompanying him into uneasy dreams, holding darker memories at bay as he rests.

The captain sleeps a lot, for the first few days. Every now and then, he's out for the entirety of Hunter's visit, leaving his friend and crew to keep each other company. Other times he's awake enough to hold a conversation, and as the days pass, he gets stronger, staying awake for longer as McCoy reduces his dosage of painkillers, beginning to build up strength in a body weakened from radiation.

A week after Jim wakes up from the coma, his immune system is built up enough that he's moved to a normal room, on a higher floor of Starfleet Medical. The captain's sitting up in bed when Hunter arrives, and while he looks tired, it's the type one tends to get from a workout rather than being in need of sleep. "Hey!" Jim greets him with a small smile.

[losthunter]

"Hey!" Hunter greets him with a smile. It has been a difficult couple of days, still seeing Jim's body take the time needed to heal and for him to get stronger. He has gotten to know his crew on a social level. Which has been nice, especially since Hunter feels like he has made some new friends.

And his bond with Jim has just gotten stronger and stronger during this time.

So it is a great thing to see him in a normal room. And sitting up in the bed. "Hey! Did you hit the pool or something?"

[boldygoing]

"I wish. PT's kicking my ass." Jim shakes his head a little. "Not that I'm complaining about being able to get out of bed or anything, but I think I made it all of ten steps." It's a bit embarrassing, to be honest, but Hunter's seen him high as a fucking kite on pain meds and sleeping the day away, so it doesn't sting as much as it used to.

[losthunter]

"You will get there..." Hunter tells him softly. The PT is an important part of Jim's recovery, after all.

[boldygoing]

He smiles slightly, appreciating the encouragement for what it is. "Yeah, I know. I've always sucked at the whole... patience thing."

[losthunter]

"Really?" Hunter smirked slightly. He grabbed a chair, and moved to sit beside Jim's bed. He grinned playfully. "I would have never guessed."

[boldygoing]

"So, how's the outside world doing?" Jim asks, trying to keep it casual. With the reduction of his pain meds, he's more alert, but this also means he's noticed that his crew have pretty steadfastly avoided any discussion of what happened to the Vengeance, or how Spock managed to capture Khan alive.

He doesn't expect Hunter to talk about it either, but he's itching for news that doesn't revolve around his medical condition. Anything would do, even any news from the Nexus.

[losthunter]

"I can't really tell you anything about what's going on in your world... since half of it I can't know. Regulations and all of that..."

Hunter shrugs. It has been difficult receiving half-truths. But also, on his end, giving half-truths. Verity would be very unhappy with him about this whole situation of lies on top of lies.

"I have been working on a few new pieces. Something a little more raw..." A way for him to express his emotions on canvas.

[boldygoing]

"Because of me?" Jim asks, and he's not really smiling anymore. No matter how many times his crew have told him that none of this is his fault, he can't really accept it. Even if he was somehow blameless in the actions that caused this whole mess, it was his decision to go into the warp core, to sacrifice himself to save his ship, his crew. His fault they had to suffer through the pain of his death, and the struggle back to life, and the long road to recovery that he still faces, with their help. And of course it's his fault that Hunter has had to go through so much worry when he can't even know the reason why.

[losthunter]

Hunter holds onto Jim's hand. He can see the guilt and emotions race over Jims face. Survivors guilt. He is aware of it... but has never experienced it.

"A little. But more because of me."

"I came here because I was worried about you. About our friendship. But over the last few weeks.... I have fallen a little bit more for you. And hate that I have to mislead your crew. They are such good people."

[boldygoing]

Survivor's guilt is nothing new to Jim. He had his first taste of it as soon as he was old enough to understand the sacrifice that George Kirk made on the day of Jim's birth, and he's had it again several times since. After Tarsus IV, after the destruction of Vulcan... and now, this. It's never something that gets easier, no matter how many times it happens.

Jim squeezes Hunter's hand a little, his grip noticeably stronger than it has been over the past week. And hearing that Hunter's fallen for him a bit... the last thing Jim wants to do is accidentally break Hunter's heart along the way. "I don't like lying to them either."

[losthunter]

Hunter is not expecting anything from Jim. For most of the time that Hunter has been spending with Jim... the other man has been asleep in his coma. And he is not going to ask for anything more than Jim has already expressed that he wants.

"My best friend in the whole world feels pain when she is lied to. I can't help but think... she would be so disappointed in me. Even though there is good reason."

[boldygoing]

Jim knows that there's not really anything he can say that would help justify that kind of thing, and feelings aren't exactly subject to logic, no matter what Spock says. Having a good reason for lying doesn't take away the guilt.

But maybe there's a small olive branch he can offer. "There's no way we can tell everyone, but my senior crew... they can handle it." Jim draws in a breath, aware that what he's about to say will skirt the edge of classified information. "We found out something, about Starfleet. A secret branch of the service that's dedicated to developing advanced technology. They were going to use us to start a war with the Klingons, and it scares the shit out of me to imagine any Nexus technology in their hands."

[losthunter]

Hunter frowns deeply. That just sounds like another good reasons why not to tell anyone. "That is some pretty scary shit."

"There is no good reason to start a war."

[boldygoing]

"Yeah," Jim agrees. "The guy in charge is dead now, but we don't have any idea who else is involved. But I know for a fact that none of my senior crew would have anything to do with that."

[losthunter]

"Your senior crew are a pretty loyal bunch." Hunter agrees. He strokes his fingers across Jim's hand for a moment.

"I would just hate for them to think that I was some sort of spy, since you all just were involved in something similar. And for them to distrust me."

"They were very protective of you at the start of all of this." He explains.

[boldygoing]

"I'd back you up," Jim says, but he knows that Hunter already knows that too. He pauses, contemplating something, and hesitantly says, "If you were both willing, you could have Spock read your mind."

[losthunter]

"It would ease my uneasiness..." Hunter admits softly. That has been the hardest part for him. He feels like he has been making real connections with the crew members. But it can't be truly real, if he is still lying to them.

And there doesn't seem to be any concern from Jim that the crew would distrust him. Which since they are so protective of Jim, Hunter would know would be a bad place to sit in.

[boldygoing]

"I'm not gonna lie," Jim warns him, "mind melds are weird. But as long as Spock's got a handle on his emotions, you shouldn't get any of the weirder side effects that I got. It'd be up to him, though. It's kind of... personal, I guess. But he's done it for tactical reasons before."

[losthunter]

"He might not say it, but I am sure he will be concerned that I am a threat to you." Hunter saw how Jim's experience had shook up Spock on a personal level, even though not much was every expressed by the Vulcan.

[boldygoing]

Jim missed most of Spock's emotional outbursts, while he was out. The Vulcan didn't truly flip the fuck out until after Jim had breathed his last, and it wasn't until the captain woke from his coma that Spock was truly able to regain control over his turbulent emotions.

He frowns a little at Hunter. "After what we've been through, I guess I can understand that."