boldygoing | The Long Silence [for losthunter]

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The Long Silence [for losthunter]

Jim had been looking forward to getting drinks with Hunter after the end of the Nibiru mission.

Sure, it didn't exactly go according to plan, but when does it ever? And with the news of a five-year mission in the works, not yet assigned to a ship, he's pretty excited that the Enterprise might have a shot at the most prestigious and ambitious assignment Starfleet has ever offered. No crew is more prepared, he feels. And getting to explore uncharted territory every day for five years is a dream come true.

But that's before he gets called into Pike's office and busted back to fucking cadet.

Before the admiral tells him that the Enterprise is no longer Jim's.

Before Pike tracks him down in a dive bar, spiraling into the black hole of his own thoughts, consuming everything except the horrible, sinking feeling in his gut that somehow he's done everything horribly wrong, and the admiral tells him that he's not out of the running just yet.

He's not captain anymore. But Commander Kirk is the first officer of the Enterprise now, and as awful as it is that Spock has been reassigned, it's a rope thrown to a drowning man.

He's not okay. But maybe eventually he will be. And he barely has time to process any of this before the call comes in, that there's an emergency session called at Headquarters. Something like that is never, ever good news. And no matter what it's about, Jim has the distinct feeling that he's not going to be able to get around to having drinks with Hunter tonight.

He hurries to get into his gray dress uniform, and fires off a quick text message to the now-familiar number. Need raincheck. Emergency @ HQ.

Surely he'll have the time to reschedule later, once the crisis is over.

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Jim missed most of Spock's emotional outbursts, while he was out. The Vulcan didn't truly flip the fuck out until after Jim had breathed his last, and it wasn't until the captain woke from his coma that Spock was truly able to regain control over his turbulent emotions.

He frowns a little at Hunter. "After what we've been through, I guess I can understand that."

"I wouldn't be surprised if he has been trying to figure out what the hell it all means to him... just like I have been." Hunter knows that the Vulcan and him have different ways of dealing with their emotions.

It suddenly occurs to Jim that through all of this, he hasn't asked anyone else how they're handling it. And he gives Hunter an apologetic look, that twinge of guilt striking again. "You holding up okay?"

Hunter has been here every day, he's pretty sure. That's more dedication than he expected from someone not on his crew, even though had their positions been reversed, Jim would have sought out his own opportunities to visit.

"It has been hard..." Hunter feels his voice crack a little. Just like it had that first day when he found out about Jim being in a coma.

"Seeing someone I care about just lying there, and feeling so helpless."

Jim looks down at his hands, conflicted. He knows damn well that if he had to make the same choice again, he would still choose to go into the warp core. Even if McCoy hadn't been able to pull him back from death. But seeing what that decision did to his friends, his family... it's not easy. "I'm sorry."

"I know you did what you had to do..." Hunter reaches up to touch Jim's face gently. "You sacrificed your life to save your ship. Your crew. And you would do it again, if you had to."

"We almost lost you... and I..." Hunter lowers his head slightly. "That would have had a very profound effect on me."

Jim lifts his hand to cover Hunter's, warm and alive, knowing that it isn't enough. Not for himself, not for Hunter. This won't be a bump in the road that they can just laugh off and forget. Jim died, he fucking died, and he's still struggling to come to terms with that. He's reminded every day by his weakened body, the ache in his back where his spine had to be repaired, the way his hands still shake a bit, his body still raw and new, rebuilt from the cellular level up. He can't forget, even if he wanted to.

He can talk to Bones or Spock about anything, he knows. But it's hard, sometimes, knowing he has to look them in the eyes every day, knowing that - if Starfleet lets him keep the captain's chair after all this - he'll have to make life and death decisions for all the crew that serve under his command, even his friends.

He doesn't have that power over Hunter's life. And maybe that's why it's not as hard to open his mouth and admit, "I can't stop wondering if that's how it felt for my dad."

Hunter is grateful for the simple gesture. The touch. The warmth in Jim's hand is now normal. And he is no longer falling back to slumber within minutes. The strength is back. And is glad to see it.

"That he thought of everyone he cared about, in his final moments?"

He shakes his head. "Not that part, I know that for sure... I've heard recordings, up to the moment of impact. Of him and my mom talking to each other."

Jim looks away for a moment, trying to gather his thoughts. "The moment Scotty told me the warp core was misaligned, I knew there was no other way. The Enterprise was falling from the sky, and if someone didn't go in there to fix it, everyone onboard would be dead in minutes. I didn't even consider letting Scotty do it. I couldn't. I knocked him out so he couldn't stop me. And I knew I was a dead man before I ever opened that door. But I didn't really have time to think about it until after I fixed the core."

"The sacrifice of putting your own life before anyone else's." Hunter tilts his head. "Something that you will face again, surely, as a captain."

"It is a part of your life. Your job."

"But... you are worried about hurting others due to that part of your life."

Jim nods slowly, bringing his gaze back to Hunter. "I had some stupid thoughts, when I thought that was it. One of the worst ones was that while I wanted you to see me in my dress uniform, having it be at my funeral was the worst possible thing I could do to you. But I didn't even know if anyone would be able to reach you, or if I was just gonna disappear."

That thought does make a rush of emotions race through Hunter's heart. He has had people disappear on him before. And sometimes he does worry if it is because something bad happened to them. Or their world closed off to the Nexus, and he will never see them again.

He can feel a slight wetness to his eyes.

"It was too close of a call Jim. Almost losing you..."

"But a whole ship of people would have been lost, if you hadn't done what you did. And then, there would have been no way for anyone to reach me."

"I know. And I'd do it again in a heartbeat." Jim shakes his head a little. "I spent years hating my dad, thinking there must have been some other way out, that he just didn't try hard enough. But... now I know. The only difference is I'm still here, and he's not. And it's not because of anything I did."

"You have chosen a very weird way to get to know your father better. And to forgive him a little..." Hunter clicks his tongue a little. Teasing lightly.

He's not sure how, but Jim manages a small smile. "Wasn't how I planned it."

"Never is..." Hunter has to smile slightly himself.

And speaking of things that were not planned, but are still right there on the surface level. "The thing that you should know, before you fly off to your next adventure and your next choice... is that I am always very proud of you. Thinking of you. Caring for you."

Jim can't help but be a little taken aback by that. Not because he didn't think Hunter felt that way, but because he's spent a lifetime of almost nobody ever saying anything like that to him. Not even hinting, really.

And he doesn't really know what to say to that.

"That's... I..." It's not often that Jim Kirk is at a loss for words, but this whole situation has been an emotional clusterfuck of epic proportions, and he flounders a bit, torn between the discomfort of a lifetime of feeling unworthy of such a sentiment, and the appreciation for his friend, who's taken on such a heavy emotional burden with little to show for it.

"You really don't have to say anything..." Hunter reassures him softly. He didn't want to have his words to be something that was left unsaid, in case something happens next time.

It might be for the best. The last time someone told Jim that they loved him, all he could think to say was 'that's so weird,' which didn't go over well. But he still feels like he's got to say something.

"Hunter... you're really something, you know that?" he says instead, mustering up a smile.

Hunter laughs softly. "Thanks. I am one of a kind."

"So what should we handle next? The big reveal to your crew? Or this book I brought?"

"Might be a good idea to save the 'big reveal' for when they're all together... that way we don't have to explain it more than once." Plus it'll give Jim the chance to broach the subject with Spock first, and make sure he'd be willing to do the mind meld in the first place.

"Sure... use logic." Hunter laughs slightly.

"Or is it that you just really want to hear this Stephen King novel?"

"What can I say, Spock's a good influence on me." Jim smiles slightly. It sounds like a joke, but it's also kind of true.

"What d'ya have today?"

"It is called Mr. Mercedes. It is book one of a series, that was just released by the writer... in my timeline." The book Hunter holds up is practically new.

Jim raises his eyebrows with interest. "The Bill Hodges trilogy? I haven't read that in years."

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