boldygoing | The Long Silence [for losthunter]

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The Long Silence [for losthunter]

Jim had been looking forward to getting drinks with Hunter after the end of the Nibiru mission.

Sure, it didn't exactly go according to plan, but when does it ever? And with the news of a five-year mission in the works, not yet assigned to a ship, he's pretty excited that the Enterprise might have a shot at the most prestigious and ambitious assignment Starfleet has ever offered. No crew is more prepared, he feels. And getting to explore uncharted territory every day for five years is a dream come true.

But that's before he gets called into Pike's office and busted back to fucking cadet.

Before the admiral tells him that the Enterprise is no longer Jim's.

Before Pike tracks him down in a dive bar, spiraling into the black hole of his own thoughts, consuming everything except the horrible, sinking feeling in his gut that somehow he's done everything horribly wrong, and the admiral tells him that he's not out of the running just yet.

He's not captain anymore. But Commander Kirk is the first officer of the Enterprise now, and as awful as it is that Spock has been reassigned, it's a rope thrown to a drowning man.

He's not okay. But maybe eventually he will be. And he barely has time to process any of this before the call comes in, that there's an emergency session called at Headquarters. Something like that is never, ever good news. And no matter what it's about, Jim has the distinct feeling that he's not going to be able to get around to having drinks with Hunter tonight.

He hurries to get into his gray dress uniform, and fires off a quick text message to the now-familiar number. Need raincheck. Emergency @ HQ.

Surely he'll have the time to reschedule later, once the crisis is over.

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He smiles slightly, appreciating the encouragement for what it is. "Yeah, I know. I've always sucked at the whole... patience thing."

"Really?" Hunter smirked slightly. He grabbed a chair, and moved to sit beside Jim's bed. He grinned playfully. "I would have never guessed."

"So, how's the outside world doing?" Jim asks, trying to keep it casual. With the reduction of his pain meds, he's more alert, but this also means he's noticed that his crew have pretty steadfastly avoided any discussion of what happened to the Vengeance, or how Spock managed to capture Khan alive.

He doesn't expect Hunter to talk about it either, but he's itching for news that doesn't revolve around his medical condition. Anything would do, even any news from the Nexus.

"I can't really tell you anything about what's going on in your world... since half of it I can't know. Regulations and all of that..."

Hunter shrugs. It has been difficult receiving half-truths. But also, on his end, giving half-truths. Verity would be very unhappy with him about this whole situation of lies on top of lies.

"I have been working on a few new pieces. Something a little more raw..." A way for him to express his emotions on canvas.

"Because of me?" Jim asks, and he's not really smiling anymore. No matter how many times his crew have told him that none of this is his fault, he can't really accept it. Even if he was somehow blameless in the actions that caused this whole mess, it was his decision to go into the warp core, to sacrifice himself to save his ship, his crew. His fault they had to suffer through the pain of his death, and the struggle back to life, and the long road to recovery that he still faces, with their help. And of course it's his fault that Hunter has had to go through so much worry when he can't even know the reason why.

Hunter holds onto Jim's hand. He can see the guilt and emotions race over Jims face. Survivors guilt. He is aware of it... but has never experienced it.

"A little. But more because of me."

"I came here because I was worried about you. About our friendship. But over the last few weeks.... I have fallen a little bit more for you. And hate that I have to mislead your crew. They are such good people."

Survivor's guilt is nothing new to Jim. He had his first taste of it as soon as he was old enough to understand the sacrifice that George Kirk made on the day of Jim's birth, and he's had it again several times since. After Tarsus IV, after the destruction of Vulcan... and now, this. It's never something that gets easier, no matter how many times it happens.

Jim squeezes Hunter's hand a little, his grip noticeably stronger than it has been over the past week. And hearing that Hunter's fallen for him a bit... the last thing Jim wants to do is accidentally break Hunter's heart along the way. "I don't like lying to them either."

Hunter is not expecting anything from Jim. For most of the time that Hunter has been spending with Jim... the other man has been asleep in his coma. And he is not going to ask for anything more than Jim has already expressed that he wants.

"My best friend in the whole world feels pain when she is lied to. I can't help but think... she would be so disappointed in me. Even though there is good reason."

Jim knows that there's not really anything he can say that would help justify that kind of thing, and feelings aren't exactly subject to logic, no matter what Spock says. Having a good reason for lying doesn't take away the guilt.

But maybe there's a small olive branch he can offer. "There's no way we can tell everyone, but my senior crew... they can handle it." Jim draws in a breath, aware that what he's about to say will skirt the edge of classified information. "We found out something, about Starfleet. A secret branch of the service that's dedicated to developing advanced technology. They were going to use us to start a war with the Klingons, and it scares the shit out of me to imagine any Nexus technology in their hands."

Hunter frowns deeply. That just sounds like another good reasons why not to tell anyone. "That is some pretty scary shit."

"There is no good reason to start a war."

"Yeah," Jim agrees. "The guy in charge is dead now, but we don't have any idea who else is involved. But I know for a fact that none of my senior crew would have anything to do with that."

"Your senior crew are a pretty loyal bunch." Hunter agrees. He strokes his fingers across Jim's hand for a moment.

"I would just hate for them to think that I was some sort of spy, since you all just were involved in something similar. And for them to distrust me."

"They were very protective of you at the start of all of this." He explains.

"I'd back you up," Jim says, but he knows that Hunter already knows that too. He pauses, contemplating something, and hesitantly says, "If you were both willing, you could have Spock read your mind."

"It would ease my uneasiness..." Hunter admits softly. That has been the hardest part for him. He feels like he has been making real connections with the crew members. But it can't be truly real, if he is still lying to them.

And there doesn't seem to be any concern from Jim that the crew would distrust him. Which since they are so protective of Jim, Hunter would know would be a bad place to sit in.

"I'm not gonna lie," Jim warns him, "mind melds are weird. But as long as Spock's got a handle on his emotions, you shouldn't get any of the weirder side effects that I got. It'd be up to him, though. It's kind of... personal, I guess. But he's done it for tactical reasons before."

"He might not say it, but I am sure he will be concerned that I am a threat to you." Hunter saw how Jim's experience had shook up Spock on a personal level, even though not much was every expressed by the Vulcan.

Jim missed most of Spock's emotional outbursts, while he was out. The Vulcan didn't truly flip the fuck out until after Jim had breathed his last, and it wasn't until the captain woke from his coma that Spock was truly able to regain control over his turbulent emotions.

He frowns a little at Hunter. "After what we've been through, I guess I can understand that."

"I wouldn't be surprised if he has been trying to figure out what the hell it all means to him... just like I have been." Hunter knows that the Vulcan and him have different ways of dealing with their emotions.

It suddenly occurs to Jim that through all of this, he hasn't asked anyone else how they're handling it. And he gives Hunter an apologetic look, that twinge of guilt striking again. "You holding up okay?"

Hunter has been here every day, he's pretty sure. That's more dedication than he expected from someone not on his crew, even though had their positions been reversed, Jim would have sought out his own opportunities to visit.

"It has been hard..." Hunter feels his voice crack a little. Just like it had that first day when he found out about Jim being in a coma.

"Seeing someone I care about just lying there, and feeling so helpless."

Jim looks down at his hands, conflicted. He knows damn well that if he had to make the same choice again, he would still choose to go into the warp core. Even if McCoy hadn't been able to pull him back from death. But seeing what that decision did to his friends, his family... it's not easy. "I'm sorry."

"I know you did what you had to do..." Hunter reaches up to touch Jim's face gently. "You sacrificed your life to save your ship. Your crew. And you would do it again, if you had to."

"We almost lost you... and I..." Hunter lowers his head slightly. "That would have had a very profound effect on me."

Jim lifts his hand to cover Hunter's, warm and alive, knowing that it isn't enough. Not for himself, not for Hunter. This won't be a bump in the road that they can just laugh off and forget. Jim died, he fucking died, and he's still struggling to come to terms with that. He's reminded every day by his weakened body, the ache in his back where his spine had to be repaired, the way his hands still shake a bit, his body still raw and new, rebuilt from the cellular level up. He can't forget, even if he wanted to.

He can talk to Bones or Spock about anything, he knows. But it's hard, sometimes, knowing he has to look them in the eyes every day, knowing that - if Starfleet lets him keep the captain's chair after all this - he'll have to make life and death decisions for all the crew that serve under his command, even his friends.

He doesn't have that power over Hunter's life. And maybe that's why it's not as hard to open his mouth and admit, "I can't stop wondering if that's how it felt for my dad."

Hunter is grateful for the simple gesture. The touch. The warmth in Jim's hand is now normal. And he is no longer falling back to slumber within minutes. The strength is back. And is glad to see it.

"That he thought of everyone he cared about, in his final moments?"

He shakes his head. "Not that part, I know that for sure... I've heard recordings, up to the moment of impact. Of him and my mom talking to each other."

Jim looks away for a moment, trying to gather his thoughts. "The moment Scotty told me the warp core was misaligned, I knew there was no other way. The Enterprise was falling from the sky, and if someone didn't go in there to fix it, everyone onboard would be dead in minutes. I didn't even consider letting Scotty do it. I couldn't. I knocked him out so he couldn't stop me. And I knew I was a dead man before I ever opened that door. But I didn't really have time to think about it until after I fixed the core."

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