A Long-Overdue Conversation [for losthunter]

[boldygoing]

The captain's quarters on the Enterprise are warmly lit this evening, the door sealed for privacy by the captain's order. Unlike precious times he's been expecting a visitor off the record, the chess set is put away on one of his shelves, the low table in the living quarters topped with a bottle of wine and two empty glasses.

Jim gives his quarters yet another sweep for clutter, knowing damn well there isn't any, and that even if there was, his visitor wouldn't care. It wouldn't be the first time he's seen how much of a disaster area Jim's room can be.

Stop stalling, Kirk.

Jim takes a slow breath and lets it out, then sends a signal to Hunter. Coast is clear. Come over when you're ready.

Comments

[losthunter]

Hunter doesn't feel ready for that kind of step either. He does want something more than what they have... because the waiting and the worrying is slowly hurting him piece by piece. And the ring he made for Jim, the one he runs his thumb over as his other hand caresses Jim's knuckles, still has meaning. Still holds his promise to Jim.

"Without taking the right steps, I wouldn't know what I could offer the mission. But I want something..."

"I want to feel useful." Hunter admits. And maybe this opportunity is coming at the right time. When he no longer has connections with New York. When he is looking for a new passion. When he wants somehow to be closer to Jim...

"What would I need to do?"

[boldygoing]

"I'd need to look into it to be sure," Jim tells him, wanting to make sure they're both on the same page. "There'd probably be some kind of aptitude tests, stuff to make sure you've got the skills and know-how for... whatever job you'd be taking. And there'd have to be a paper trail, solid enough to pass a background check."

He lifts a hand to touch Hunter's face, and even months later, it's still so weird not to see ink winding its way across the other man's face. "It'd be a big change. Lotta work, for both of us." He manages a faint smile, and adds, "And you'd have to take orders from me."

[losthunter]

Hunter closes his eyes at the sensation of Jim's hand on his face. And he takes a moment to reflect on what Jim has told him. What he might have to do.

"Big change for both of us." His eyes open again, staring into Jim's eyes. And nods, with a smile. "But I want to do this."

He chuckles at that last statement, and leans in to whisper in Jim's ear. "Guess you would have to break that no fraternizing with the crew thing... for me. So fair is fair."

[boldygoing]

"I know you do. But I still want you to think on it, before we do anything." Jim really means the not-rushing-it thing, afraid of them both making snap judgments while things have been so uncertain between them. "I'm out here for five years. That's plenty of time to join up."

That comment gets a bigger smile out of him, and he leans his forehead against Hunter's for a moment. "I'd figure something out. Regulations are meant to be bent."

[losthunter]

"I feel for the first time that my thoughts are on the right path. But thank you. There is plenty of time for me to think on it."

Hunter places both of his hands on Jim's face when he leans his forehead forward. "I am still going to miss you. Nearly five months has been hard and I wasn't handling it well... five years is going to be difficult."

"You are a very clever man." Hunter steals a kiss. "Clever, handsome and courageous."

[boldygoing]

Normally, Jim would meet the compliments with a cocky grin and bluster, masking his uncertainties. But hiding his feelings is at least part of what got them into this mess in the first place. And yeah, confronting it head-on is unnerving to say the least, but they're never going to move on if he keeps dancing around it.

"Hey... listen," he says, before he can change his mind and chicken out. "I don't really know how to do... this. You know. Real feelings. So I want you to let me know when I'm being a dumbass, okay?"

[losthunter]

Hunter still for a moment when Jim asks him to listen. And it is a different feeling that rises in his chest when Jim decides to speak frankly, instead of going for a cocky grin and bluster.

He is really trying to fix what was almost fucked up.

"You have been a dumbass." Hunter chuckles. And his eyes get wet when he thinks about how close he came to walking away from this relationship. He doesn't want to lose Jim.

"I am not asking to be shown those real feelings all the time. But some small validation is better than nothing..."

"Your small gestures meant the world to me."

[boldygoing]

"I know that now. I don't... nobody ever did that for me, before, so I didn't think..." It sounds stupid, saying it out loud. But Jim is making an effort to be as honest as possible, tonight, no matter how dumb the truth may be. "I'm... not used to being needed. Like this."

He smiles slightly, reaching up to touch Hunter's face, and wipe away any tears with his thumb. "Not used to needing people, either."

[losthunter]

Hunter moves his hands so his fingers entwine with Jim's. This is a big step for them. Not just them talking about the possibility of Hunter joining Starfleet, so he can be closer to Jim more often. But the fact that they are on the same page.

They both need each other.

"Me either." Hunter admits honestly. In some ways it is still a shock how fast this has all happened. But he would not change a thing.

"I love you. I only want to be with you."

[boldygoing]

For Jim, life has always been 'live fast, seize the day,' sometimes to his own detriment. A year and a half is practically an eternity, way longer than he's ever spent with just one person, and he's still having a hell of a time getting his mind around that.

But even so, he doesn't want it to end. He knows that much.

You'd think that after all the shit he's been through, one little L word wouldn't be so hard to say. But there's a small anxious tremor in his hands, and he has to wonder if Hunter can hear his heart beating louder at the idea of saying it out loud. But he has to. They'll never move forward if he doesn't. "I think... I do too," he admits, after a moment to psyche himself up. "I miss having you around."

[losthunter]

Hunter smiles at that. He can tell that there is something still making Jim anxious. And he gives a gentle squeeze of reassurance to Jim's trembling hands.

"Well, if your suggestion pans out... you will have me around a lot."

[boldygoing]

"Even if it does, it won't be for a while. I want to see you more sooner." That shaky smile comes back to his face as he admits, "I don't think the one hundred percent long distance thing is working." To put it very mildly.

[losthunter]

"No. It is not." Hunter admits.

"I can come see you anytime you want Jim." That is the one nice thing about Hunter basically letting go of the Foundation and Art Studio. His time is his own again.

"You have figured out a way for me to be here. I can keep coming to visit you." Because he knows it is harder for Jim to leave the ship.

[boldygoing]

Jim's spent a lot of his life riding on impulsiveness, and before he can think about it twice, he says, "I want to make you dinner. Uh, here. Sometime."

Great. Super romantic, Kirk. Hunter surely can't resist you now.

[losthunter]

"I would like that." Dinner on a spaceship with the man he loves? That is romantic to Hunter. "We should make more plans like that. Dinner here. Movies at my place."

"And you know that you always have a place to stay in the Nexus." Hunter smiles. "With me."

[boldygoing]

"Plans... maybe. We might have to play it by ear for a bit," Jim admits, giving Hunter's hands a soft squeeze. "Flexible kinda plans."

It does seem kind of unfair that he has the freedom to simply show up at Hunter's place whenever he'd like, when Hunter has to call ahead. But that's part of the package when it comes to dating a Starfleet officer, and they've got a chance to see just how much of a problem that actually is, or not.

[losthunter]

"Just promise that we won't go weeks without seeing each other again." Because Hunter doesn't think he could handle that.

He accepts the Starfleet officer package. But he is sure that they can make this work.

[boldygoing]

Jim's not sure he can guarantee that, out here in the unknown, but he can at least do the next best thing. "If it's in my power," he promises.