boldygoing | A Long-Overdue Conversation [for losthunter]

Hunter looks at his PINpoint when he receives the message, and takes a deep breath himself. He feels nervous. And runs his hands over his shirt, smoothing out invisible wrinkles. A meow at his side makes him chuckle. Zunar sees no reason to delay.

He opens the portal between his Nexus apartment and Jim's quarters on the Enterprise. And then walks through.

A smile appears on his face at seeing Jim. "Hey handsome."

Jim's smile is shaky, but genuine. "Hey, yourself."

There's a moment's awkward pause, before Zunar trots forward and all but climbs Jim's leg, purring all the while. "Yeah, hey to you, too. Good to see you, both."

Belatedly, he gestures towards the couch, inviting Hunter to make himself comfortable. It's not the first time Hunter's been here, of course, but this is more than just a summer fling now, and he doesn't even glance in the direction of the bed as he moves to join his boyfriend where he sits.

Hunter smiles, as he sits on the couch. He notices all the little things around the apartment that were gifts given to Jim by him. And he smiles a little more shyly.

And he watches Jim sit beside him, picking up on his nervous state.

There is so much they need to talk about and Hunter is not sure where to start. "Well, it is official now. I am one hundred per cent living at my Nexus apartment."

Zunar is quick to stretch across both their laps, his front half on Hunter's, his back half on Jim's. A few months ago, he wouldn't have been big enough to claim both his people, but now he's reveling in it.

Unsure where to start, too, Jim's relieved when Hunter speaks first. "No more New York?"

Hunter strokes his fingers through Zunar's fur. The kneazle obviously knows that he still needs emotional support.

"I just..." He takes a breath. Focuses on petting Zunar. "I felt that I was not connected to anything there anymore."

"It has been three months since I lost my magic. And no one from the Foundation was concerned about where I had gone. No one from the art studio was calling, looking for me. And really... I was not really involved in the operations of either place anymore."

"And getting away from the city... sitting in front of a campfire... I realized that I was holding onto things that were no longer important to me."

"So I let go. I signed away any remaining legal responsibilities I had to the Foundation and to the Art Studio. And..." Hunter looks up, at Jim. "It really feels like a weight has been lifted off my shoulders."

That Hunter would turn from both of them comes as a surprise, after all he's heard about them. But... no one called? No one? Jim hadn't realized Hunter had become so detached from them both, and while it's great news that he's let go of some of his stress, Jim can't help but be a little concerned.

"You gave them up?"

"They..." Hunter leans his head back, tears appearing in his eyes. "Didn't need me anymore. Guess I did too good of a job in my business model."

"I even gave up the stocks that my dad left me in his will."

"I just... fuck... need to be somewhere where I feel needed. And it is not the Foundation anymore. It is not New York anymore."

When Hunter said he cut ties, he really meant it. Unsure what to say, Jim reaches out and puts his hand on Hunter's, and tries not to think of ships drifting at sea. "...so what happens now?"

Hunter softly grasps Jim's hand, and collects himself for a moment.

"I am still going to do my art. That part of my life is a part of me..."

"And I still feel needed when I am in the Nexus. I have a few commissions on order, plus I still want to attend the Nexus market."

"I know that there are people in the Nexus who would be concerned if I up and disappeared... who would not let three fucking months pass without asking questions about my well-being."

Hunter knows he has to address the issue of Karlene. And while he has already given Jim a lot to process, it is important to inform him. "Besides... I am not really safe in New York right now. Not after what I learned about Karlene."

A lot to process is right, but oddly, the idea of a tangible threat - one that has little to do with their relationship - has him slipping easily into captain mode, automatically preparing to deal with the threat. "The one who took your magic?"

"Right..."

"It was another revelation I had while I was camping. I only assumed Karlene was Kendra's sister because they look so much a like. But I have no proof of that..."

"Plus, every time I get near her..." Hunter searches for the right words. "I am hit with immense pain. And I thought that it had just been her chaotic magic... but once again that was my assumption. My desperate need for her to be someone who needed help."

"Shortly after I made that revelation, I heard Karlene's voice again. And instead of asking me to 'Find Me', I clearly heard her saying 'Die'." Hunter looks down at Zunar. "And even with the distance between us, I felt that pain again. This little guy saved me from her magic."

Hunter hadn't mentioned the pain before, and learning that this Karlene can harm him from a distance makes Jim's blood run cold. Zunar purrs, and kneads his paws against Hunter's knee. No witch is going to harm his humans on his watch.

Jim had thought Hunter needed the kneazle's company more than he did, but he hadn't realized how much, and the thought that he could've lost Hunter unknowingly is just as disturbing as when he'd heard his boyfriend had been stabbed. "I was already glad I sent him to you, but now..."

"I have reached out to Hermione. She noted that because of the work that you, Adia, Caspar and Hermione herself had done in my apartment -- I am safe from any magic intending to do harm against me while I am there." Hunter explained.

"She is going to make me a protection rune."

Hunter takes Jim's hands in his own. "And I will be seeking advice from others in the Nexus. See if there is anything else I can do."

Edited 2018-09-15 19:52 (UTC)

"Good, that's good." Definitely better than nothing, but it's a greater comfort to have Hunter here with him, right now, a universe away from this witch and whatever malevolent plans she has for Hunter. "...is there anything else I can do to help?"

"I don't know what you can do..." Hunter answers honestly.

The other topics seem like nuances right now, as they head into a discussion about their relationship.

Hunter is struggling finding the right way to start this conversation. "You have the responsibilities of captain on your shoulders. And as much as I wish I could be your top priority... I know I can't be. You have 500 lives depending on you."

There's a twist in his stomach when Hunter says that, the uncertainty bleeding through his voice, and Jim holds his hands a little tighter. "No, you can't," he agrees, reluctantly, not wanting Hunter to take this the wrong way. "My crew has to come first. But that doesn't mean that you're not important to me too."

He's never been this honest with anyone, outside of his other self, the captain three years ahead. But he made a promise, and he intends to keep it. "I thought... being apart would be easier," he admits. "That I'd be able to focus on the mission without distractions. But I still think about you, every day."

"You do?" Hunter looks at Jim. "I think of you every day too."

"I didn't think being apart would be this hard. But I miss you so much."

"Whoever came up with 'out of sight, out of mind' was full of shit." Not the most romantic way he could've put it, but it's still true.

He gives Hunter a faint smile, pretty sure he already knows the answer. "Don't suppose you've ever thought about joining Starfleet." It's selfish and unfair of him, he knows, to mention it when there's no way in hell he'd give up his own career. Can't have this conversation without putting all the cards on the table, though.

Hunter chuckles at the first comment. It makes him feel better that Jim was feeling the same way. That they were both missing each other.

And the Jim catches him off-guard with his next question. “ I never really thought about it....”

“Is it even possible for someone like me.... from a different dimension... to join Starfleet?” His mind is open, willing to listen to Jim’s suggestion. “And what field would I even fit into?”

The first question actually gets a small grin out of Jim, and an answering yowl of amusement from Zunar, still stretched across their laps. "That's what Faris and Chanath are planning to do. If you had a good enough backstory, I don't know why a different universe would be a problem."

As for the second, well... that's the big question, isn't it? "I don't know," he admits, reluctant, and a self-deprecating smile tugs at the corner of his mouth. "It's not the kinda thing most people should rush into anyway."

"Faris and Chanath had a whole new race of species with them... helped their backstory." Hunter chuckled back. He stroked his fingers through Zunar's fur.

His mind contemplates the opportunity.

"Jim..." He reaches out a hand to stroke the other man's chin. He not sure why that self-deprecating smile is on his boyfriend's face right now.

"Maybe I am missing part of the picture... but even if I joined Starfleet, wouldn't I have to go to some sort of training school? And how would I ever be assigned to your Ship... you are already on your exploration mission."

"How would this be rushing anything?"

Jim leans into the touch a little, selfishly enjoying his boyfriend's touch after so long without it. "If you enlisted, yeah. It's minimum three years in the Academy, including six months internship on an active vessel. That's not the only way though... the other Jim, he's been setting up his fiancé to come along as a civilian consultant," he explains. And sure, it's not exactly the same, not even close, but the avenue does exist.

"I don't know if that'd work for you, at all, but... it's one option we could think about."

Hunter sees how Jim leans into his touch, so caresses his fingers further up Jim's jawline. Enjoying being able to touch the other man.

"The other Jim and Felix are engaged?" He only briefly met Felix a couple of times. And has not spent a lot of time with the other Jim to know the depth of their relationship.

But the pieces are starting to fall into place, and Hunter does not know if he should allow himself to hope too much.

He smiles softly. "I don't know if you knew this or not... but an artist can create their artwork practically anywhere. New York. The Nexus. Here, on the Enterprise."

"And I would welcome thinking about this... if it meant being with you."

Edited 2018-09-17 00:14 (UTC)

Man, he hopes that wasn't supposed to be a secret. "Yeah." Jim's certainly not ready for that kind of step, not at this stage. They have a lot of ground to cover first, to get his bearings and figure out what exactly he does want, still reeling somewhat from the last month or so.

His answering smile is a careful one. "I know. It's just that I don't know if Starfleet would let me bring you along, unless you can offer something for the mission." And that's where he doesn't want to assume, doesn't want to push Hunter into anything he doesn't want to do, into training for something he doesn't care about just for an excuse to join Jim out in the black. It's not a perfect fit, not as it is now. Hunter's a smart guy, too. He's capable. But it's not so much what he can do so much as what he wants to do, and that's his choice alone.

Hunter doesn't feel ready for that kind of step either. He does want something more than what they have... because the waiting and the worrying is slowly hurting him piece by piece. And the ring he made for Jim, the one he runs his thumb over as his other hand caresses Jim's knuckles, still has meaning. Still holds his promise to Jim.

"Without taking the right steps, I wouldn't know what I could offer the mission. But I want something..."

"I want to feel useful." Hunter admits. And maybe this opportunity is coming at the right time. When he no longer has connections with New York. When he is looking for a new passion. When he wants somehow to be closer to Jim...

"What would I need to do?"

"I'd need to look into it to be sure," Jim tells him, wanting to make sure they're both on the same page. "There'd probably be some kind of aptitude tests, stuff to make sure you've got the skills and know-how for... whatever job you'd be taking. And there'd have to be a paper trail, solid enough to pass a background check."

He lifts a hand to touch Hunter's face, and even months later, it's still so weird not to see ink winding its way across the other man's face. "It'd be a big change. Lotta work, for both of us." He manages a faint smile, and adds, "And you'd have to take orders from me."

Hunter closes his eyes at the sensation of Jim's hand on his face. And he takes a moment to reflect on what Jim has told him. What he might have to do.

"Big change for both of us." His eyes open again, staring into Jim's eyes. And nods, with a smile. "But I want to do this."

He chuckles at that last statement, and leans in to whisper in Jim's ear. "Guess you would have to break that no fraternizing with the crew thing... for me. So fair is fair."

"I know you do. But I still want you to think on it, before we do anything." Jim really means the not-rushing-it thing, afraid of them both making snap judgments while things have been so uncertain between them. "I'm out here for five years. That's plenty of time to join up."

That comment gets a bigger smile out of him, and he leans his forehead against Hunter's for a moment. "I'd figure something out. Regulations are meant to be bent."

"I feel for the first time that my thoughts are on the right path. But thank you. There is plenty of time for me to think on it."

Hunter places both of his hands on Jim's face when he leans his forehead forward. "I am still going to miss you. Nearly five months has been hard and I wasn't handling it well... five years is going to be difficult."

"You are a very clever man." Hunter steals a kiss. "Clever, handsome and courageous."

Normally, Jim would meet the compliments with a cocky grin and bluster, masking his uncertainties. But hiding his feelings is at least part of what got them into this mess in the first place. And yeah, confronting it head-on is unnerving to say the least, but they're never going to move on if he keeps dancing around it.

"Hey... listen," he says, before he can change his mind and chicken out. "I don't really know how to do... this. You know. Real feelings. So I want you to let me know when I'm being a dumbass, okay?"

Hunter still for a moment when Jim asks him to listen. And it is a different feeling that rises in his chest when Jim decides to speak frankly, instead of going for a cocky grin and bluster.

He is really trying to fix what was almost fucked up.

"You have been a dumbass." Hunter chuckles. And his eyes get wet when he thinks about how close he came to walking away from this relationship. He doesn't want to lose Jim.

"I am not asking to be shown those real feelings all the time. But some small validation is better than nothing..."

"Your small gestures meant the world to me."

"I know that now. I don't... nobody ever did that for me, before, so I didn't think..." It sounds stupid, saying it out loud. But Jim is making an effort to be as honest as possible, tonight, no matter how dumb the truth may be. "I'm... not used to being needed. Like this."

He smiles slightly, reaching up to touch Hunter's face, and wipe away any tears with his thumb. "Not used to needing people, either."

Hunter moves his hands so his fingers entwine with Jim's. This is a big step for them. Not just them talking about the possibility of Hunter joining Starfleet, so he can be closer to Jim more often. But the fact that they are on the same page.

They both need each other.

"Me either." Hunter admits honestly. In some ways it is still a shock how fast this has all happened. But he would not change a thing.

"I love you. I only want to be with you."

For Jim, life has always been 'live fast, seize the day,' sometimes to his own detriment. A year and a half is practically an eternity, way longer than he's ever spent with just one person, and he's still having a hell of a time getting his mind around that.

But even so, he doesn't want it to end. He knows that much.

You'd think that after all the shit he's been through, one little L word wouldn't be so hard to say. But there's a small anxious tremor in his hands, and he has to wonder if Hunter can hear his heart beating louder at the idea of saying it out loud. But he has to. They'll never move forward if he doesn't. "I think... I do too," he admits, after a moment to psyche himself up. "I miss having you around."

Hunter smiles at that. He can tell that there is something still making Jim anxious. And he gives a gentle squeeze of reassurance to Jim's trembling hands.

"Well, if your suggestion pans out... you will have me around a lot."

"Even if it does, it won't be for a while. I want to see you more sooner." That shaky smile comes back to his face as he admits, "I don't think the one hundred percent long distance thing is working." To put it very mildly.

"No. It is not." Hunter admits.

"I can come see you anytime you want Jim." That is the one nice thing about Hunter basically letting go of the Foundation and Art Studio. His time is his own again.

"You have figured out a way for me to be here. I can keep coming to visit you." Because he knows it is harder for Jim to leave the ship.

Jim's spent a lot of his life riding on impulsiveness, and before he can think about it twice, he says, "I want to make you dinner. Uh, here. Sometime."

Great. Super romantic, Kirk. Hunter surely can't resist you now.

"I would like that." Dinner on a spaceship with the man he loves? That is romantic to Hunter. "We should make more plans like that. Dinner here. Movies at my place."

"And you know that you always have a place to stay in the Nexus." Hunter smiles. "With me."

"Plans... maybe. We might have to play it by ear for a bit," Jim admits, giving Hunter's hands a soft squeeze. "Flexible kinda plans."

It does seem kind of unfair that he has the freedom to simply show up at Hunter's place whenever he'd like, when Hunter has to call ahead. But that's part of the package when it comes to dating a Starfleet officer, and they've got a chance to see just how much of a problem that actually is, or not.

"Just promise that we won't go weeks without seeing each other again." Because Hunter doesn't think he could handle that.

He accepts the Starfleet officer package. But he is sure that they can make this work.

Jim's not sure he can guarantee that, out here in the unknown, but he can at least do the next best thing. "If it's in my power," he promises.

A Long-Overdue Conversation [for losthunter]

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