Captain's First LOL [for losthunter]

[boldygoing]

With the restrictions on his food intake finally lifted, and with months to go until the Enterprise is ready to fly again, Jim Kirk has had all the more reasons to visit the Nexus and explore, particularly the markets. Whether it's finding interesting otherworldly seedlings for Sulu, tracking down a source of authentic Vulcan kreyla for Spock, or bringing home volumes of Russian literature for Chekov, there's always something to bring back for somebody.

Jim's been warned about LOLs before. Both through the brochure he picked up the first time he arrived here, and by some Nexus veterans, namely Hunter and Samus. But in the months since he's been visiting the multiverse, he's still never seen the phenomenon, not even once.

And so it's easy to forget for a moment that he has to be cautious.

He's discovered a Jewish cafe on one corner of the commercial district that's offering free samples to passersby, and it's been ages since he's had real, hand-made vorschmack on rye. So he doesn't think twice before accepting one of the samples on offer, and there's nothing to indicate that there's anything in it other than the usual bread, fish, and other typical ingredients he'd expect. At least, not until the woman running the sample cart asks him how he likes it.

Jim fully intends on simply complimenting her on the flavor of the food, but what comes out instead is, "It's good but not as good as my Grandma Ruth used to make." He blinks in confusion. "I don't know why I just said that. I wasn't going to tell you that." And again... he says more than he intended.

"Oh dear," the woman says, looking mournfully at the sample tray. "I used the wrong seasoning again. Sorry about that." And then she whisks the tray away, vanishing into the depths of the cafe with no explanation or any indication that she plans to return.

And only now does Jim remember the warnings he was given.

"Oh shit. This is not good." He doesn't know what the hell it's done to him, aside from making him chattier than he intended to be, but he doesn't want to go home like this. Especially not when he can't be certain there won't be more coming. And there's only one person he knows he can go to for help.

Jim calls up the coordinates for Hunter's apartment, hurrying to get his ass over there, muttering to himself under his breath.

Comments

[boldygoing]

Jim would appreciate that Hunter is holding back on the questions if he was allowing himself to think about it, but between the dozen other things he has to think about and the fact that he's unable to stop himself from blurting out the first thing that crosses his mind, it's probably the best move, because he would have a lot to say about the serum.

"No, I hate going to psych counseling, and they'd have to have clearance to know I was dead or there'd be no point. Bones counts but he's busy and I've already put him through enough shit and this would bother him. Samus had radiation poisoning once so I got to talk to her a little about it without it being weird, but I couldn't tell her how bad it really was and I think she got suspicious that I was as fine as I was anyway."

He reaches up to rub at his temples, starting to get a headache from the completely futile strain of trying to keep his thoughts and feelings under wraps.

[losthunter]

"Samus is pretty smart. She has likely put it together already." Since both Samus and Hunter are pretty close to Verity, they have been at events together before. Hunter has never really gotten close to the bounty hunter, but he knows her reputation. "She would keep things classified. And would be a good person to talk to."

Hunter takes Jim's hands in his own. "And now that I know, you can talk to me about it. Anytime. I might not be able to relate... but I will listen."

[boldygoing]

"It's not about trust, it's about duty and regulations and I don't have the authority to decide who else gets to know," Jim says, unable to stop. "I'm glad you're not freaking out about this but can you imagine what the media would do if they got wind of this? They're a bunch of vultures and there'd be an ethical controversy over whether it's right to bring someone back from the dead and Bones might lose his medical license. I lost ninety-six crew and none of them got brought back, just me and it kills me inside to know that I'm alive and they're not just because I'm the captain and Bones is my friend. I know he couldn't have cared for ninety-seven patients all at the same time because it was hard enough work getting me back and keeping me that way but my brain and my heart don't agree and it haunts me."

He winces, hating that he can't stop himself from unloading this on someone who didn't ask for any of this, and squeezes Hunter's hand, trying to anchor himself. "I'm used to dealing with this kind of shit alone and I know I have people I can talk to now but it's hard."

[losthunter]

Hunter knows exactly what kind of vultures the media can be. He drops his eyes for a moment. "Yes. I can imagine. My dad owned a media empire."

Jim is being forced to be truthful. Hunter can at least open up about his own experiences. Try to divert the truth spill away from classified material.

"It was why he found a different place for me to live. So I wouldn't be around to cast a 'negative' appearance in his life."

He strokes the top of Jim's hand with his thumb. "I know you are used to dealing with stuff alone. And you are a strong man. But I just worry. I hate the thought of you having nightmares every night."

[boldygoing]

"What a bastard." Of all the things Jim has said so far without his usual brain-to-mouth filter in place, this one at least is something that he does not regret voicing out loud. "My mom did a shit job of raising me too."

Jim suppresses the shudder that wants to ripple through him, still in control of the rest of his body even if his mouth isn't quite with the program. "I hate it too. I hate that sometimes I can't even get to sleep in the first place because it feels like dying and there's no one there to try and fail to pretend it's okay this time and I can't just call Spock in the middle of the night just because I can't sleep and I don't want to bring up bad memories for him either. I hate that I get flashbacks sometimes from stupid things like lightning storms and drinking alcohol and getting a headache."

[losthunter]

Hunter moves closer to Jim, moving his hands so they are on Jim's face. "You can call me. Anytime. I will be there... for whatever you need."

[boldygoing]

Jim doesn't pull away, resigning himself to the fact that he can't stop talking about this now. "It's bad enough that I'm having trouble sleeping, I don't want to spread it around. I know you don't mind but I still get annoyed at myself for bothering people and I know it's a problem but I haven't had other people to rely on for most of my life and it's hard to change old habits."

[losthunter]

Hunter doesn't know what else to say for a moment. Jim is the only person who can ask for help. And it almost alarming to know that if it wasn't for the truth-serum LOL that Jim would never bring up any of these issues. That he would have still tried to deal with them on his own.

"I guess hearing me tell you that I wouldn't be bothered isn't going to help either."

[boldygoing]

"It wouldn't have, but you know the reasons why it's happening now," Jim answers. "I know in my head that it's not actually bothering people who give a shit about me but like I said, it's hard to break old habits and feelings that I've had since I was a kid. It's not because I don't trust you or that I don't think you care, because I do. It's all me."

[losthunter]

Hunter decides the best thing to do right now is just hug Jim. "It sucks that you are only telling me these things because of the LOL."

[boldygoing]

It's unexpected enough that it shifts Jim's thoughts off his problems and the growing embarrassment that he's been caught keeping secrets from his friends, at least for the moment, and after a moment's surprised hesitation, he lifts his arms to wrap them around Hunter too. "I've never been hugged very much," he says, his voice slightly muffled against Hunter's shoulder. And then, because Hunter spoke, he adds, "I might've told you some of it eventually."

[losthunter]

"I am a big hugger when it comes to my friends." Hunter chuckles lightly.

He has to keep himself from asking a question in relation to Jim's statement, since he doesn't want another truth-bomb to be set off.

"Maybe we should have lunch? It might help reduce the effects of the LOL if you get something else into your system."

[boldygoing]

"I like that about you. I don't care that I've got paint on me now." Fortunately Jim isn't wearing anything that he cares about keeping paint-free.

"Is that how it works?" he asks, as they pull apart from the hug. "I don't ever turn down food when someone offers unless they don't get to eat too."

[losthunter]

"One of these days, we are going to get one of those paint kits... for the bedroom... and have a little fun." Hunter chuckles again.

"I'm hoping..." Hunter stands to head to the kitchen. "And I have enough for the both of us to have a light lunch."

[boldygoing]

"Body paint? Sexy. I'm game. Pretty sure it's not acrylic though. Does this stuff wash off?" Jim asks, raising his eyebrows.

He follows Hunter towards the kitchen, and the way that sentence was worded sparks off a mild worry that Jim normally wouldn't mention. "It's not gonna empty your pantry, right?"

[losthunter]

"No. We would be using a special water-based cosmetic paint that is safe to get on the skin." Hunter smiles. "Yes. The acrylic washes off."

"No. My pantry is pretty stocked up right now."

[boldygoing]

That eases up some of Jim's irrational worries about it. "Good. I don't want to be a pain about it or anything but the idea of making someone else run out of food freaks me out even if it's easy to get more. I keep food stashed in my quarters on the Enterprise even though I'm only three decks away from the officer's mess." He hadn't meant to say that much, but he's starting to get used to the fact that he's not able to censor his thoughts for the immediate future. "I think Bones suspects because he caught me hoarding ration bars in our dorm room back at the Academy but he hasn't said anything."

[losthunter]

"Does it concern you that it was something food-related that caused the LOL?" Hunter sets out a few plates. He starts pulling some meats and cheeses out of his fridge.

[boldygoing]

Jim has to wash his hands before he can participate in preparing lunch, since he has paint on his hands. Normally he'd downplay his fears, but he has no choice right now, and he tries not to let that get to him. "Yeah, it's terrifying." His tone of voice does a much better job of hiding how strongly he feels about this, used to keeping his fears hidden away beneath a well-practiced calm, but he can't avoid the words that reveal the truth. "Food means survival and I can't just avoid it, and there's no way to tell if it's harmless or not until it's too late. Samus did warn me what to watch out for if people were doing it on purpose but this wasn't."

[losthunter]

"Even if it was accidental, others need to know about the place, and be wary for the future." Hunter points out. He pulls out a knife and cutting board. Then places both in front of Jim, with some cheese, so he can help in the food preparation.

[boldygoing]

Jim pitches in, but he hesitates for a moment as a thought occurs. "How do you know if your own food is safe?"

[losthunter]

"I purchase from vendors who have their Nexus food services certificate. Or someone that Schön has personally vouched for."

"But..." Hunter frowns for a moment. "Nothing is really safe."

[boldygoing]

"Having your food tampered with is one of the scariest things I can think of. Wasting food is worse." Which means that, paranoid about the food or not, he's still not going to turn down lunch, and he moves to continue helping to prep the light meal. "I see people do it all the time and it drives me crazy."

[losthunter]

"I can relate to that a little." After all, Hunter spent some time on the streets. He remembers so much wasted food just being thrown away. And so many people who were homeless digging through the trash for that food.

"How long did it take before food insecurities were fixed, in your world?"

[boldygoing]

Jim hates talking about this even more than his nightmares, a much older, deep-seated set of fears and nightmares that've been part of him since he was a kid. But he can't avoid it or sugercoat his answer or even change the subject, compelled to respond, and answer truthfully. "The resupply ship showed up two months after the executions and it was still a month ahead of schedule. Shit. Fuck." He sets down the knife before his hands start to shake a little. And because he can't avoid speaking his thoughts, the next part is muttered to himself, but still audible. "It was thirteen years ago, Kirk, get a fuckin' grip."